24 January 2017


"You remember too much," my mother said to me recently.
"Why hold onto all that?"
And I said, "Where can I put it down?"
-- anne carson

27 September 2016


6:15am. I get up, throw on some clothes, go to work, go to classes, go to mass, run, study, sleep. Repeat 5x.
I snapped this picture of our desk in the dorm this afternoon because the lighting inspired me and also I was upset at myself for not taking as many pictures as usual. The honesty and candidness of the shot was slightly amusing to me-- I didn't move a single thing for the shot, yet I thought the messiness of it all added a nuanced beauty somehow.
But I've been organizing, in a way. Not in compartmentalizing my desk, but in sorting through myself.

Last year was tough. This year is tough too, but more in an aftermath-y kind of way. Last year I dealt with a kind of grief I've never experienced before, and starting with the beginning of this summer, I've been learning about how to cope with it.

I've been journaling before bed lately. It helps me gather myself and figure out where I'm at. Sort of like an examination of conscience. And I've noticed certain trends: people are good for me, I need time to talk with close friends, running is good (no music, and not on a treadmill), painting my nails makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself. Praying in front of the blessed sacrament is also wonderful, but in a painful way... There's no instant gratification-- not analogous with alcohol-- yet you can feel the reassurance and comfort throughout the whole of the day, slowly 'kicking in' like nicotine for smokers.
I feel like I'm writing my own owner's manual, in a way. I like that analogy anyway. And these are the sorts of things that are important, you know? It's good to know what works for you, and what doesn't. Difficulties and problems will arise, and it's not always clear which is the healthy way to proceed when you're in an unfit state.
The human person is a complex being. We are very much body and soul, two completely different entities. Corporeal and incorporeal. Man is a paradox. Yet, it is because we are also so unified in our two different natures that the two war against each other; they are so intertwined. How strange and marvelous, truly.

And how natural, then, for us to have to sort through ourselves in this way. It makes sense, and it doesn't. We remain paradoxes.

Meanwhile, I wake up, go to work, attend classes, go to mass, run, study, sleep, and sort.

08 September 2016

"well born and great-souled"

The funny thing about life is,
no matter how messy and unbearable it may seem at times,
it doesn't stay that way, and things do get better.

It's worth it.

I've been noticing. When someone has a deep sense of self affirmation and an interior peace developed by moments of quiet and contemplation, it's hard for them to be genuinely disturbed by exterior events. (Like, can I have some of that?)

Aristotle talks about how happiness is a life full of actions in accord with virtue. The man who is virtuous is happy; he is “well born and great-souled.” He consistently chooses the noble things in life because he knows his end, and he knows that those kinds of things will fulfill him.


All in all, you step back and look at everything... and you can feel in your bones that this is good.