19 March 2017

Dear Little Sister


Clare,

I don't want to forget your smiles, your hilarity, and your personality manifested in your five year old self.

I don't want to forget coming home and seeing you grinning, running up to meet me while yelling my name.

I don't want to forget cuddling with you and just listening to you talk. Also, I love taking selfies with you. And yes, of course I will pour milk for you and make you breakfast and play games with you and take you to the pool or walk to the park.

You are so dear to me. I want to be the big sister to you that all little girls dream about.

I miss you. I love you.

Love,
your big sister
(inspired by Mariah)

24 January 2017

Where


"You remember too much," my mother said to me recently.
"Why hold onto all that?"
And I said, "Where can I put it down?"
 
-- anne carson

27 September 2016

Sorting

 
6:15am. I get up, throw on some clothes, go to work, go to classes, go to mass, run, study, sleep. Repeat 5x.
 
I snapped this picture of our desk in the dorm this afternoon because the lighting inspired me and also I was upset at myself for not taking as many pictures as usual. The honesty and candidness of the shot was slightly amusing to me-- I didn't move a single thing for the shot, yet I thought the messiness of it all added a nuanced beauty somehow.
 
But I've been organizing, in a way. Not in compartmentalizing my desk, but in sorting through myself.

Last year was tough. This year is tough too, but more in an aftermath-y kind of way. Last year I dealt with a kind of grief I've never experienced before, and starting with the beginning of this summer, I've been learning about how to cope with it.

I've been journaling before bed lately. It helps me gather myself and figure out where I'm at. Sort of like an examination of conscience. And I've noticed certain trends: people are good for me, I need time to talk with close friends, running is good (no music, and not on a treadmill), painting my nails makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself. Praying in front of the blessed sacrament is also wonderful, but in a painful way... There's no instant gratification-- not analogous with alcohol-- yet you can feel the reassurance and comfort throughout the whole of the day, slowly 'kicking in' like nicotine for smokers.
 
I feel like I'm writing my own owner's manual, in a way. I like that analogy anyway. And these are the sorts of things that are important, you know? It's good to know what works for you, and what doesn't. Difficulties and problems will arise, and it's not always clear which is the healthy way to proceed when you're in an unfit state.
 
The human person is a complex being. We are very much body and soul, two completely different entities. Corporeal and incorporeal. Man is a paradox. Yet, it is because we are also so unified in our two different natures that the two war against each other; they are so intertwined. How strange and marvelous, truly.

And how natural, then, for us to have to sort through ourselves in this way. It makes sense, and it doesn't. We remain paradoxes.

Meanwhile, I wake up, go to work, attend classes, go to mass, run, study, sleep, and sort.