6:15am. I get up, throw on some
clothes, go to work, go to classes, go to mass, run, study, sleep.
I snapped this picture of our desk in
the dorm this afternoon because the lighting inspired me and also I
was upset at myself for not taking as many pictures as usual. The
honesty and candidness of the shot was slightly amusing to me-- I
didn't move a single thing for the shot, yet I thought the messiness
of it all added a nuanced beauty somehow.
But I've been organizing, in a way. Not
in compartmentalizing my desk, but in sorting through myself.
Last year was tough. This year is tough
too, but more in an aftermath-y kind of way. Last year I dealt with a
kind of grief I've never experienced before, and starting with the
beginning of this summer, I've been learning about how to cope with
I've been journaling before bed lately.
It helps me gather myself and figure out where I'm at. Sort of like
an examination of conscience. And I've noticed certain trends: people
are good for me, I need time to talk with close friends, running is
good (no music, and not on a treadmill), painting my nails makes me
feel like I'm taking care of myself. Praying in front of the blessed
sacrament is also wonderful, but in a painful way... There's no
instant gratification-- not analogous with alcohol-- yet you can feel the
reassurance and comfort throughout the whole of the day, slowly
'kicking in' like nicotine for smokers.
I feel like I'm writing my own owner's
manual, in a way. I like that analogy anyway. And these are the sorts
of things that are important, you know? It's good to know what works
for you, and what doesn't. Difficulties and problems will arise, and
it's not always clear which is the healthy way to proceed when you're
in an unfit state.
The human person is a complex being. We
are very much body and soul, two completely different
entities. Corporeal and incorporeal. Man is a paradox. Yet, it is
because we are also so unified in our two different natures that the
two war against each other; they are so intertwined. How strange and
And how natural, then, for us to have
to sort through ourselves in this way. It makes sense, and it
doesn't. We remain paradoxes.
Meanwhile, I wake up, go to work,
attend classes, go to mass, run, study, sleep, and sort.
no matter how messy and unbearable it
may seem at times,
it doesn't stay that way, and things do
It's worth it.
I've been noticing. When someone has a
deep sense of self affirmation and an interior peace developed
by moments of quiet and contemplation, it's hard for them to be
genuinely disturbed by exterior events. (Like, can I have some of
Aristotle talks about how happiness is
a life full of actions in accord with virtue. The man who is virtuous
is happy; he is “well born and great-souled.” He consistently
chooses the noble things in life because he knows
his end, and he knows that those kinds of things will fulfill him.
All in all, you step back and look at
everything... and you can feel in your bones that this is